I can't decide if I hate my neighbors more when

they're smoking cigarettes or grilling steaks. Either way, the smell fills my apartment and it's torture. And on Sunday? Really? I can't even go get my own streak. ):<

I walked in...

to my roommate examining, like, squinted-eyes-inches-away-examining, the ingredients on a box of Honeycombs.
"I bought four boxes of these at Albertson's today... that's all they had. I need to find out where the next closest one is."


We're still in the same room, so I ran the post by her.


"They're $1.48 a box! You forgot to say that! Anybody would buy lots of boxes."

Sleep

is an interesting topic of discussion at my current abode. You see, I find myself living with a narcoleptic and an insomniac. Both are undiagnosed, but pretty much certifiable. It's not often I'm the most normal sleeper in the house...

We were driving to get food.

Well, I was driving. One of my roommates was in the back seat, eyes glued to her phone as she half-listened with me to our other roommate (riding shotgun) drone on about working out at the gym with her ex. All of a sudden, she stops mid-sentence. "Oh my gosh-- I've never seen a weiner." After a short pause, raucous laughter ensued. And an Oscar-Meyer Weinermobile drove past us.

Coincidence? I think

NOT.

Another fun texting conversation with Near-Future Roommate (NFR):

[Begin Texting]

Me:
I just left (car place she recommended last night for oil changes, that she was also going to visit for an oil change) and one of the workers was leaving to pick up (kid from the ward that we know).

NFR:

You took the 3:00 time slot?! You dirty...

Me:
hahahahahahaha

Me:
I waited until 8 to call!

NFR:

Yeah... I called at 8:05

NFR:

You suck

Me:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. My phone says I called at 8:16.

NFR:

I just looked and my phone says 8:17. No joke

Me:
Bahaha! That's even worse!!!

Me:

Best decision I made all day.

NFR:

Ugh

NFR:

Don't you have your OWN mechanic?!

Me:
Your call only lasted 4 seconds? How did that go?
*ring, ring* "Sun Devil Auto." "3 o'clock oil change?" "Sorry, someone awesome JUST took that time slot." *click*

....................................

NFR:

I scheduled for Tuesday

Me:
Tuesday?? Oh man. I'd feel a little worse if I hadn't been, like, 1000 miles overdue.

NFR:

You were??? Geez.

NFR:

I will be 1000 miles over by Tuesday

Me:
Ok, ok! I feel bad! Stop making it worse.

[End Texting]

Needless to say, we already spend too much time together. Brace yourselves for the move-in.

Toilet tactics...

know no bounds. I started sharing my room last August, and my room-roommate and I bonded over discovering and naming our other roommate's non-traditional toilet tactics. Her favorites to engage in included the following:

Flush-and-Run (aka FNR, or Effin R)
  -when she does her business then opens the door to leave IMMEDIATELY after flushing.
FLU--door opens viciously--SSSSHHHH...... Srsly? Did you drop such a toxic bomb you hardly had time to escape, let alone wash your hands?

Flush-and-Brush (aka FNB or Effin B)
  -when she does her business then begins brushing her teeth IMMEDIATELY after flushing. Um... what'd she use to get the brush wet?
FLU--teeth brushing begins--SSSSHHHH...... For real, though. How? Did she use her pee? Saves time, I guess....

Poo-and-Chew
  -the only explanation for the granola bar wrappers in the tiny bathroom garbage... as well as the single mysterious Cheerio that sat on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet for near two weeks.

Jeez...

sounds a lot like cheese. Which brings me to today's late lunch/early dinner gorge session. I was texting live updates to Near-Future Roommate #1 (NFR). It went something like this:

[Begin Texting]

Me: 
[Trainer Roommate] is strutting around in skanky clothes, talking about her fat mother and re-turning on every light in the apartment since I turned them all off when I got home.









 

 NFR:

Haha we need to move

Me:

Also, this slab of cheese was sitting on my plate, where I cut pieces off for my sandwich. She stops as she walks past, then asks incredulously, jaw nearly to the floor, "Is that a piece of plain cheese?" She thought I was going to eat it. To spite her, I later secretly bit off a chunk of it.

Me: 
And I just turned all the lights back off on my way to my room.

 [End texting]

Time to move much? Also, where has my viciousness gone? I thought I would spite her by secretly biting into a large chunk of cheese? Falling into my expected roll of closet eater is not the most effective method of revenge.