I can't decide if I hate my neighbors more when

they're smoking cigarettes or grilling steaks. Either way, the smell fills my apartment and it's torture. And on Sunday? Really? I can't even go get my own streak. ):<

I walked in...

to my roommate examining, like, squinted-eyes-inches-away-examining, the ingredients on a box of Honeycombs.
"I bought four boxes of these at Albertson's today... that's all they had. I need to find out where the next closest one is."


We're still in the same room, so I ran the post by her.


"They're $1.48 a box! You forgot to say that! Anybody would buy lots of boxes."

Sleep

is an interesting topic of discussion at my current abode. You see, I find myself living with a narcoleptic and an insomniac. Both are undiagnosed, but pretty much certifiable. It's not often I'm the most normal sleeper in the house...

We were driving to get food.

Well, I was driving. One of my roommates was in the back seat, eyes glued to her phone as she half-listened with me to our other roommate (riding shotgun) drone on about working out at the gym with her ex. All of a sudden, she stops mid-sentence. "Oh my gosh-- I've never seen a weiner." After a short pause, raucous laughter ensued. And an Oscar-Meyer Weinermobile drove past us.

Coincidence? I think

NOT.

Another fun texting conversation with Near-Future Roommate (NFR):

[Begin Texting]

Me:
I just left (car place she recommended last night for oil changes, that she was also going to visit for an oil change) and one of the workers was leaving to pick up (kid from the ward that we know).

NFR:

You took the 3:00 time slot?! You dirty...

Me:
hahahahahahaha

Me:
I waited until 8 to call!

NFR:

Yeah... I called at 8:05

NFR:

You suck

Me:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. My phone says I called at 8:16.

NFR:

I just looked and my phone says 8:17. No joke

Me:
Bahaha! That's even worse!!!

Me:

Best decision I made all day.

NFR:

Ugh

NFR:

Don't you have your OWN mechanic?!

Me:
Your call only lasted 4 seconds? How did that go?
*ring, ring* "Sun Devil Auto." "3 o'clock oil change?" "Sorry, someone awesome JUST took that time slot." *click*

....................................

NFR:

I scheduled for Tuesday

Me:
Tuesday?? Oh man. I'd feel a little worse if I hadn't been, like, 1000 miles overdue.

NFR:

You were??? Geez.

NFR:

I will be 1000 miles over by Tuesday

Me:
Ok, ok! I feel bad! Stop making it worse.

[End Texting]

Needless to say, we already spend too much time together. Brace yourselves for the move-in.

Toilet tactics...

know no bounds. I started sharing my room last August, and my room-roommate and I bonded over discovering and naming our other roommate's non-traditional toilet tactics. Her favorites to engage in included the following:

Flush-and-Run (aka FNR, or Effin R)
  -when she does her business then opens the door to leave IMMEDIATELY after flushing.
FLU--door opens viciously--SSSSHHHH...... Srsly? Did you drop such a toxic bomb you hardly had time to escape, let alone wash your hands?

Flush-and-Brush (aka FNB or Effin B)
  -when she does her business then begins brushing her teeth IMMEDIATELY after flushing. Um... what'd she use to get the brush wet?
FLU--teeth brushing begins--SSSSHHHH...... For real, though. How? Did she use her pee? Saves time, I guess....

Poo-and-Chew
  -the only explanation for the granola bar wrappers in the tiny bathroom garbage... as well as the single mysterious Cheerio that sat on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet for near two weeks.

Jeez...

sounds a lot like cheese. Which brings me to today's late lunch/early dinner gorge session. I was texting live updates to Near-Future Roommate #1 (NFR). It went something like this:

[Begin Texting]

Me: 
[Trainer Roommate] is strutting around in skanky clothes, talking about her fat mother and re-turning on every light in the apartment since I turned them all off when I got home.









 

 NFR:

Haha we need to move

Me:

Also, this slab of cheese was sitting on my plate, where I cut pieces off for my sandwich. She stops as she walks past, then asks incredulously, jaw nearly to the floor, "Is that a piece of plain cheese?" She thought I was going to eat it. To spite her, I later secretly bit off a chunk of it.

Me: 
And I just turned all the lights back off on my way to my room.

 [End texting]

Time to move much? Also, where has my viciousness gone? I thought I would spite her by secretly biting into a large chunk of cheese? Falling into my expected roll of closet eater is not the most effective method of revenge.

Speaking of Near-Future Roommate...

I have two of them. Near-Future Roommates, that is. I've moved through several sets of roommates since the original seven, and am rather sad I haven't recorded more happenings. I'm going to fix that. But first, a few treasures from the last year.

Okay, I thought...

she's chosen a tupperware to eat her cereal out of. Not overly unusual. I've done the same myself when the bowl supply has been depleted or I find myself battling a particularly ravenous appetite. I found it odd, though, when she got down to only a few bites of cereal and a quarter inch layer of milk, then sighed a satisfied sigh and slapped the lid onto the tupperware... saving the remainder of her already-milked cereal for later...

In church a couple weeks ago

we talked about how much we can learn from roommates. Today my roommates taught me all about milk barf, and how stomach acid causes milk to curdle... meaning that when you barf it up it's the consistency of cottage cheese. Who knew? All I know is it was nasty.

True love...

...is waking up with your roommate at three in the morning to wipe her mouth and change her sheets when she barfs. Then waking up again at three thirty to rinse and return her barf bowl and wipe her face again. I think this set of roommates has been the best form of birth control I could ever imagine. It's more effective when you're not paying with money.

"You've gotta finish your sandwich

before you can have your cookies."

(Takes one small bite of remaining sandwich then sticks the rest in mouth.) "Can you open them now?"

"Alright, alright." (Opens bag and hands it over.)

(Spits sandwich into hands.)

"Whoa! You've gotta eat it! You can't just spit it out!"

(Puts it back in mouth, chews a little, shudders with slight grimace on face.) "It's really good."

"It's really good?"

"Yeah."

My roommate just

walked over to the toilet, stuck her head in it and took a big whiff. It hasn't been cleaned since Monday. It's Friday.

Things you should never have to say to your roommate... but that I have (with complete sincerity).

"Pull your pants up, please."
"Get your shoes and I'll help you put them on."
"Don't touch the poo!"
"Do you need me to wipe your nose?"
"Woo-eee! Steeenkeeee!"
"That's not a cow-- it's a dog."
"Seriously. That doesn't match. You'll get made fun of!"
"Wipe and flush, please."
"See? Picking up your backpack wasn't so hard."
"We're going to the store. And if you behave I'll give you a treat!"
"Need me to take your shirt off?"
"Can you say 'yellow'?"
"What does the word 'hurry' mean?"
"What does a frog say? Ribbit, ribbit!"

(In response to "what's that?"):
"This is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
"It's a sock."
"A person."
"Garbage."
"A car."
"It's your blanket."
"A dog barking."
"Someone coming in the door."
"A cow mooing."
"The same cement truck we've had at the house for the past four months."

(In response to "what are you doing?"):
"I'm watching you put your seatbelt on."
"I'm waiting for you."
"Driving."
"Making your lunch-- like I do every morning."
"I'm changing her pants."
"Singing."
"Well I was trying to ignore you."

Today I tickled my roommate...

... until she threw up.

Styling hair

has never been a strength of mine. However, I helped one of my roommates style her hair into a Hengen-style mohawk today and I've gotta say... it looks good.

It must be diet season.

Everyone's talking about losing weight. Probably so that by the end of the holidays they can walk away even, or at least without too much extra weight packed on...
Regardless, it's not the deceiving chatter that gave me the heads up. It was the fact that while one of my other roommates devours lunchmeat sandwiches, grapes and baked Cheetos with me for lunch, another roommate is watching jealously... with only her favorite stuffed animal's feet to gnaw on. Interesting dieting tactic.

It's been a while...

...like, over 10 years, since I've played Barbies. And, hello? For good reason. You outgrow these things, you know? But my roommate decided she'd been without long enough and I helped her get her collection of Barbies down from her top closet shelf. I was talking with my other roommate when I happened to glance over and see her with a Ken doll in hand. He was bent over a little, and she had undone his pants and pulled them down a ways. She ran her finger along his buttcrack for a second before bringing the same finger to her nose and sniffing. "Eeeeewwwww" she said. And put him back in the box.

She looooves yogurt...

Once I watched her take, like, 20 minutes to eat a Yoplait. She had to savor every trace of the stuff. She even went so far as to lick the table so that she wouldn't waste the smallest, untraceable amount of her raspberry delight. She's got a hold of some strawberry yogurt today, and I just watched her lick the table again. Only last time the table was clean... this time there are hardened remnants of chocolate syrup from last night's dessert (mixed with a few other surprises, I'm sure). The grossest part is that she didn't even hesitate. And if she dropped some more, she wouldn't hesitate the second time. She IS my roommate.

So it's Spirit Week...

...for three of my roommates and they've been going all out. Blue hair, silly socks, crazy hats, poodle skirts, and, uh... red clothes. Anyway. It's been ca-razy. The craziness has even rubbed off onto one of my not-in-school roommates. Today she wore pink tights with different colored polkadots UNDER a dress that was equally as colorful, except with a floral pattern, and was ACCENTED by her new pink One-Star All Stars (my doing), that combined with the rest of her wardrobe to OFFSET the blue lingering in her hair from yesterday. Her pink-rimmed glasses and a GIANT pink and polkadotted bow topped it all off and HOLY HOTT MAMA. Haha. I'm surprised no guys hit on her at the park today. Maybe it's because there weren't any there... We'll be sure to hit up more populated areas on her really "on" days.