Toilet tactics...

know no bounds. I started sharing my room last August, and my room-roommate and I bonded over discovering and naming our other roommate's non-traditional toilet tactics. Her favorites to engage in included the following:

Flush-and-Run (aka FNR, or Effin R)
  -when she does her business then opens the door to leave IMMEDIATELY after flushing.
FLU--door opens viciously--SSSSHHHH...... Srsly? Did you drop such a toxic bomb you hardly had time to escape, let alone wash your hands?

Flush-and-Brush (aka FNB or Effin B)
  -when she does her business then begins brushing her teeth IMMEDIATELY after flushing. Um... what'd she use to get the brush wet?
FLU--teeth brushing begins--SSSSHHHH...... For real, though. How? Did she use her pee? Saves time, I guess....

Poo-and-Chew
  -the only explanation for the granola bar wrappers in the tiny bathroom garbage... as well as the single mysterious Cheerio that sat on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet for near two weeks.

Jeez...

sounds a lot like cheese. Which brings me to today's late lunch/early dinner gorge session. I was texting live updates to Near-Future Roommate #1 (NFR). It went something like this:

[Begin Texting]

Me: 
[Trainer Roommate] is strutting around in skanky clothes, talking about her fat mother and re-turning on every light in the apartment since I turned them all off when I got home.









 

 NFR:

Haha we need to move

Me:

Also, this slab of cheese was sitting on my plate, where I cut pieces off for my sandwich. She stops as she walks past, then asks incredulously, jaw nearly to the floor, "Is that a piece of plain cheese?" She thought I was going to eat it. To spite her, I later secretly bit off a chunk of it.

Me: 
And I just turned all the lights back off on my way to my room.

 [End texting]

Time to move much? Also, where has my viciousness gone? I thought I would spite her by secretly biting into a large chunk of cheese? Falling into my expected roll of closet eater is not the most effective method of revenge.

Speaking of Near-Future Roommate...

I have two of them. Near-Future Roommates, that is. I've moved through several sets of roommates since the original seven, and am rather sad I haven't recorded more happenings. I'm going to fix that. But first, a few treasures from the last year.

Okay, I thought...

she's chosen a tupperware to eat her cereal out of. Not overly unusual. I've done the same myself when the bowl supply has been depleted or I find myself battling a particularly ravenous appetite. I found it odd, though, when she got down to only a few bites of cereal and a quarter inch layer of milk, then sighed a satisfied sigh and slapped the lid onto the tupperware... saving the remainder of her already-milked cereal for later...

In church a couple weeks ago

we talked about how much we can learn from roommates. Today my roommates taught me all about milk barf, and how stomach acid causes milk to curdle... meaning that when you barf it up it's the consistency of cottage cheese. Who knew? All I know is it was nasty.

True love...

...is waking up with your roommate at three in the morning to wipe her mouth and change her sheets when she barfs. Then waking up again at three thirty to rinse and return her barf bowl and wipe her face again. I think this set of roommates has been the best form of birth control I could ever imagine. It's more effective when you're not paying with money.

"You've gotta finish your sandwich

before you can have your cookies."

(Takes one small bite of remaining sandwich then sticks the rest in mouth.) "Can you open them now?"

"Alright, alright." (Opens bag and hands it over.)

(Spits sandwich into hands.)

"Whoa! You've gotta eat it! You can't just spit it out!"

(Puts it back in mouth, chews a little, shudders with slight grimace on face.) "It's really good."

"It's really good?"

"Yeah."