My roommate just

walked over to the toilet, stuck her head in it and took a big whiff. It hasn't been cleaned since Monday. It's Friday.

Things you should never have to say to your roommate... but that I have (with complete sincerity).

"Pull your pants up, please."
"Get your shoes and I'll help you put them on."
"Don't touch the poo!"
"Do you need me to wipe your nose?"
"Woo-eee! Steeenkeeee!"
"That's not a cow-- it's a dog."
"Seriously. That doesn't match. You'll get made fun of!"
"Wipe and flush, please."
"See? Picking up your backpack wasn't so hard."
"We're going to the store. And if you behave I'll give you a treat!"
"Need me to take your shirt off?"
"Can you say 'yellow'?"
"What does the word 'hurry' mean?"
"What does a frog say? Ribbit, ribbit!"

(In response to "what's that?"):
"This is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
"It's a sock."
"A person."
"Garbage."
"A car."
"It's your blanket."
"A dog barking."
"Someone coming in the door."
"A cow mooing."
"The same cement truck we've had at the house for the past four months."

(In response to "what are you doing?"):
"I'm watching you put your seatbelt on."
"I'm waiting for you."
"Driving."
"Making your lunch-- like I do every morning."
"I'm changing her pants."
"Singing."
"Well I was trying to ignore you."

Today I tickled my roommate...

... until she threw up.

Styling hair

has never been a strength of mine. However, I helped one of my roommates style her hair into a Hengen-style mohawk today and I've gotta say... it looks good.

It must be diet season.

Everyone's talking about losing weight. Probably so that by the end of the holidays they can walk away even, or at least without too much extra weight packed on...
Regardless, it's not the deceiving chatter that gave me the heads up. It was the fact that while one of my other roommates devours lunchmeat sandwiches, grapes and baked Cheetos with me for lunch, another roommate is watching jealously... with only her favorite stuffed animal's feet to gnaw on. Interesting dieting tactic.

It's been a while...

...like, over 10 years, since I've played Barbies. And, hello? For good reason. You outgrow these things, you know? But my roommate decided she'd been without long enough and I helped her get her collection of Barbies down from her top closet shelf. I was talking with my other roommate when I happened to glance over and see her with a Ken doll in hand. He was bent over a little, and she had undone his pants and pulled them down a ways. She ran her finger along his buttcrack for a second before bringing the same finger to her nose and sniffing. "Eeeeewwwww" she said. And put him back in the box.

She looooves yogurt...

Once I watched her take, like, 20 minutes to eat a Yoplait. She had to savor every trace of the stuff. She even went so far as to lick the table so that she wouldn't waste the smallest, untraceable amount of her raspberry delight. She's got a hold of some strawberry yogurt today, and I just watched her lick the table again. Only last time the table was clean... this time there are hardened remnants of chocolate syrup from last night's dessert (mixed with a few other surprises, I'm sure). The grossest part is that she didn't even hesitate. And if she dropped some more, she wouldn't hesitate the second time. She IS my roommate.

So it's Spirit Week...

...for three of my roommates and they've been going all out. Blue hair, silly socks, crazy hats, poodle skirts, and, uh... red clothes. Anyway. It's been ca-razy. The craziness has even rubbed off onto one of my not-in-school roommates. Today she wore pink tights with different colored polkadots UNDER a dress that was equally as colorful, except with a floral pattern, and was ACCENTED by her new pink One-Star All Stars (my doing), that combined with the rest of her wardrobe to OFFSET the blue lingering in her hair from yesterday. Her pink-rimmed glasses and a GIANT pink and polkadotted bow topped it all off and HOLY HOTT MAMA. Haha. I'm surprised no guys hit on her at the park today. Maybe it's because there weren't any there... We'll be sure to hit up more populated areas on her really "on" days.

The Fair is in town

and I thought it would be fun to go scope it out with a couple of my old roommates and my sister. I was right. It was a blast! There was food, fun and sunshine... who could ask for more? Nevermind that one of my roommates kept commenting on the stink of the animals (regardless of whether their owners were near) and was too terrified to get within five feet of them (the animals, not the owners). Or that our other roommate fell asleep halfway through our visit.
Those things couldn't put a damper on such an awesome day. Watching my roommates snarf down funnel cakes and deep fried Oreos, guzzle root beer from a huge tin cup and climb on every unguarded tractor for a picture kept me smiling all day.

I had heard...

that this town had its criminals and shady areas and what not. But when one of my younger roommates came home from school and told me about the death threat she'd received at lunch I was appalled. Kids are getting violent younger and younger these days.

What an Elefun

is really designed to do is put people to sleep. Perfect, in my case. You see, since childhood an Elefun has been... well... an elefun for the first twenty minutes of the battery's life. The rest of the time the fan is so weak it can't blow the little paper butterflies all the way up the elephant's long trunk. Unless you give it several or more long minutes to do so. That means you end up texting, blogging or napping between butterflies emerging. It feels like a waste of time, but my roommate is adament that we bond in this way. Gotta go-- here comes another one!

It's cooled down lately,

which makes it the perfect time of year to start going to parks and such in the mornings. For a little R&R, you know? So I went with a couple of my roommates this morning. We hung out on the playground for a little bit, had some snacks and drinks, walked by the dog park and played in the sand with our shoes off. It was me, my most talkative roommate and my least talkative roommate. My less talkative roommate doesn't get out much, so it was amazing that we got her to go with us in the first place. She's pretty shy, too, but very nice once you get to know her.
Anyway, my more loquacious roommate was trying to be funny or something while we were in the sand... because she poured a huge handful of sand over the quiet roommate's head. I stared in shock for a moment before I started helping her clean it off. To my surprise she took it really well. She didn't get upset or sad at all. She just patiently waited for me to brush it off her head and face and continued about her business. I learn so much from these kids it's amazing.

New roommates

always take some getting used to. One of my roommates drove us to institute and then to Walmart. On the way back we got lost, so we were still wandering around when it got late. On the way into our neighborhood she couldn't take it anymore.
"I'm so tired. I'll just go to sleep now. I'm gonna close my eyes, so tell me if we go off-road."
A moment passes and we drift to the side of the road.
"Is she serious?" I think to myself.
"Aaagh! Why didn't you tell me?! *sigh* Don't tell anyone about this, ok?"
What? That you almost just killed us? I think I'll take my old roommates that couldn't drive if their lives depended on it. Even if it means driving them any and everywhere they need to go.

He was dying for a string cheese

so I led him to my stash of goods in the House's second fridge (located in the garage). I heard other curious roommates following, but they were already gorging on Go-Gurts so I figured they wouldn't hound me for anything. I didn't expect myself to suddenly remember and crave the little German chocolates I had stashed in the freezer, and I failed to prevent myself from pulling the bag out before they left. "I got these in Germany," I said. As we walked back into the house, each of us carrying a treasured chocolate, one of the girls asked, "Why would you want to give us some?" I didn't want to say "Because you followed me out here and it'd be rude to gorge in front of you." So I said "Because I love you guys." "Ohhhh."

Three of my roommates

started school again today. Right before they left I saw them gathered around one of our other roommates, listening intently. I think she was giving them advice for their first day back. Yeah, right. Like she's spent a single day of her life at school.

So some of my roommates are playing Jenga...

and one of them keeps trying to pull out one of the edge pieces that's left in a row when you pull out the middle piece. Like, really? She apparently has the same understanding of balance as a klutzy four-year-old. Annnnd... she just forfeited because she couldn't take the pressure. I need to find a more challenging crowd for game nights.

My roommate must've found out

about my blog and started reading it. I'm thinking she read that post from earlier about her crazy ketchup request. It's the only reason I could think of to explain what just happened. You see, she likes eating snacks. Just not alone. She always insists I sit at the table and chat with her while she snacks. I don't usually eat with her since I'm "trying to lose weight." Today was different though. She insisted I sit down and I told her I had to go to the bathroom and would be right back. On my way back to the kitchen I heard her ask another roommate where I was. When she saw me she called out to me and motioned for me to sit down. While I was gone she had taken half her peanut butter cracker pack and set it where she expected me to sit. Such a sincere and thoughtful act, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant, could be spurred by nothing less than ketchup. Or some emotion commonly represented by the same color ketchup is.

Too many late nights

and poor diet last week has left the majority of the House feeling under the weather and cranky. I thought I'd try to be extra patient and nice, because if I don't who will? So I made my roommates pancakes yesterday. There were leftovers so I heated some up for one of my roommates this morning. Apparently she was too weak to cut her pancakes as she ate them, so I cut them for her. I got her some milk to go with it then finally settled down to eat my yogurt and V8. I was mid-bite when the same roommate requested.... ketchup? I'd already put syrup on her flapjacks, then more upon her insistence. "Ketchup? Are you sure? I think that'd be kinda gross." "Ketchup," she demanded. So I got up, stomped to the fridge, pulled out the ketchup and put a huge glop on her plate. It sat, untouched, with my semi-annoyed self when she deserted her plate for more fulfilling entertainment about 45 seconds later.

You know that clean-sheets feeling?

Where you crawl in and it smells so fresh and feels so crisp and new? Well I do. And I love it. I feel like I always sleep a little better the first night I sleep in clean sheets... Anyway. I changed my sheets on Monday, since it was cleaning day. I didn't get to experience that clean-sheets feeling that night, though... At one point Monday afternoon I had three of my roommates crowded on my twin, taking "naps." Later that afternoon one of them returned for a real nap. I feel like no one in this house (myself included) showers or otherwise legitimately bathes often enough, so when I crawled into bed that night my new sheets were more like dirt-smeared, stinky-feet, dog-breath dried-out butt-wipes. Or something like that. I felt strangely comfortable... Time to get back into a regular showering routine. And change my sheets again. And install a deadbolt.

I commenced staring her down.

Upon my sudden change in demeanor and lack of movement, my roommate let out a nervous chuckle. Still nothing on my side.
"Geeky? Geeky! Geeeeeekyyyyyyy!!! Wipe!"

Watching too many princess movies...

...can really influence a girl's behavior. My roommate just gave me the kiss-of-life since I was more or less playing dead in an attempt to avoid hanging out with her. Won't try that one again...

Spooner.

Tonight at dinner that's what my roommate accused my other roommate of being. It's not like she accused her of spooning with guys, though... it's just that she was spooning sour cream into her mouth. It wasn't a dip-the-finger-and-lick. It was some use-all-five-fingers-to-spoon-as-much-sour-cream-into-your-mouth-as-you-can action. Gross. Who does that? And at a table full of peers? Says a lot about her childhood, I think...

Keeping a kitchen clean

is difficult, especially with eight people using it. But if there are eight people using it, then there should be at least seven people consistently cleaning it, right? I think so. Five of my roommates are pretty decent at helping out in the kitchen, but I have one roommate who I've never seen take care of her own dish or do anything besides make messes, so I decided to do something about it. Four of my roommates were hanging out under the stairs (I won't tell you what they were doing). I walked right up and called to the lazy roommate by name. "Want to come help me with dishes?" She was surprisingly eager, and I just went with it.
She stood beside me, transfixed, as I filled the sink with hot water and soap. I washed a couple dishes then passed them to her side of the sink to be rinsed. I'd filled her side with water also, to save on the water bill and she just kind of stared at it. "Oh my gosh" I thought. "She's never washed a dish in her life." I tried to help her know what to do without acting like a bossy know-it-all. It took a little bit of time, but she finally started loosening up and... washing all the dishes a second time. She'd found the little brush thing full of soap and started going at it. I was so proud. She's come such a long ways since two days ago...

Every day should be Laundry Day...

with the way things have been going this week. I keep finding dirty (and by dirty I mean stinky, nastily soiled and growing weird things) clothes belonging to the girls in the shared room across the hall. I guess they've both had a rough week. I usually prefer (and by prefer I mean demand that it be no other way) that my laundry be done separately from, like, anyone else's. "What? You only need to wash one pair of socks? Get your own load." I made an exception to one of my favorite golden rules this week, though. Several times, actually. I just couldn't stand the thought of my struggling roommates/friends going one more day than was necessary in stinky clothes. Or sleeping one more night with said filthies stinking up their room. I did their laundry. I felt like I was violating their privacy in one of the worst ways possible... I snuck into their room, grabbed their laundry basket and did a load when I thought no one would notice. I then folded their clothes and put them away. There are no secrets in their room that now haven't been uncovered...

Anyway, I think they noticed, but they didn't say anything. Instead, they went about business as usual. Phew. Except one of the girls keeps burning through, like, seven outfits a day. I guess she had a dirty clothes goal she was working towards or something, and now she's got to get caught back up. All I know is that I asked her roommate upfront if I could wash the blanket she sleeps with. "It smells like pee." She handed it over, no questions asked. Didn't seem weirded out or offended, either. I like these girls more every day.

I'd only been shooting

a couple of times before I went today. Once with some friends from college and once with my brother and sister. Today one of my roommates took me shooting. He's the tubby one going out of town soon. He's going to Alaska, and the parts he'll be traveling in have big ol' grizzly bears, among other large and scary creatures. He has a shotgun, and he figured he ought to practice with it before his trip. Nothing really funny happened, except that I kicked his butt at it.

I was blow drying my hair

when one of my roommates came in. I could tell she wanted to talk, but this one can yap for hours and my hair is really scary when it air dries, so I kept going. She leaned up against a wall and started slowly, methodically banging her head against it. She was pretty dressed up for 9:50 on a Friday morning and I couldn't help but wonder if she'd tried to talk to the friend one of our other roommates has over. He's got long hair and eyelashes that frame sparkling, feminine eyes... but I guess some girls are into that. Anyway, she ran off before I finished and I could ask her what was wrong.

Chocolate Chip Pancakes

are a delicacy I don't often enjoy. My P90X roommate had a recipe for diet pancakes (with chocolate chips... wait. What?), and she suggested I make them. I'm technically the newest addition to our house of eight, although the fartsy roommate from yesterday moved in about the same time I did. I thought my making the pancakes for everyone might help them like me more, so I got to work right away. I had water spilled on my work surface, multiple hungry mouths breathing down my neck and several frustrating questions like "Why are you doing it like that?" I fought through the frustration and eventually finished. Except there was just enough batter left to make one, chocolate-chipless pancake. I made it, then returned to the table expecting to be greeted with friendly smiles and welcoming arms. Instead, I was greeted with chocolate-covered mouths and my plate set at the opposite end of the table as everyone else's. Like an outcast. We have a table that seats 10. I was set at one end, and the other 5 roommates who ate were huddled at the other end, almost as if they were afraid of me. Perhaps I'll contain my frustration a little better next time I make a special roommate breakfast.

I'm kinda fat,

and I guess a couple of my roommates could use a couple more workouts and fewer treats. My sister lives in town, and she asked me to do P90X with her. My two tubby roommates were interested in joining us, and we gladly welcomed the company. It's always easier to diet and workout with buddies. Anyway. We started today, and I woke up early to do my workout. I ate breakfast and was in the process of rinsing some breakfast dishes when my one roommate began her workout (the other roommate is going out of town in the nearish future and said he'd start once he gets back). Not long after, I heard the P90X guy encouraging her to engage all her muscles (it's Core Synergistics day). "I don't have any muscles to engage!" she'd shouted back at him. Later I heard her call him a showoff. Day 1 is going well.

It's library day,

and we're waiting on one of my roommates so we can leave. Carpooling saves gas since we live almost in the middle of nowhere. I'm trying to sketch, a couple of my roommates are reading, one is wandering around the house, one is at work and another is playing a Gameboy. The last roommate is curled up on her side, sleeping. She naps a lot. Anyway, every once in a while she starts squirming... then all of a sudden her knees get tucked up toward her chest and she lets a big, juicy fart. Ga-ross. It's so gross that not even the boys are laughing. I can't help but be shocked and a little disgusted. This is, after all, the same roommate who peed on me earlier today. Her grin was going from ear to ear right before she did it. I think she thinks it's funny. Anyway. I wonder if she'll need to change her pants before we go.

It all started...

when we were sitting in one of the shared bedrooms in the house. I'm actually the only one in our house of eight who has her own room. Anyway, we were in there after swimming, and one of my roommates was running around nekkid, looking for some clean clothes to warm up in. Suddenly, she realized the door to her room was open... and the new maids we hired to clean up after our slobbery were home... and one was walking past the wide open door. My roommate turned to us in shock and gasped "She saw me in the nude!" She ran away, totally embarrassed and has been careful every time we come back from swimming at the gym. It was that day I thought to myself, "It is a riot living with seven rommates. I should keep track of all the funny things that happen." A month later, here I am.